I had a former Stormtrooper doing my iv.Apparently, my veins were Rebels.
Jokes
- Thread starter ifiddles
- Start date
I had a former Stormtrooper doing my iv.Apparently, my veins were Rebels.
Stolen from the internet. Kind of a joke, mostly a tragedy.
Teaching my daughter about payroll withholding
She did chores all week so I owe her $10
I hand her $7
> this isn't $10
"right, I withheld the rest"
> what does that mean
"I kept $3 of your money"
> but it's my money
"It was your money"
> what are you even doing with it?
"Funding household infrastructure"
> what
"The roof over your head. The hallway you walk through to get to the bathroom. The door locks that keep strangers out"
> you're charging me for the hallway
"I'm charging you for access to the hallway. The hallway itself was a capital expenditure"
> you're my dad. you're supposed to---
"I'm also your government"
> what if I don't want to pay for the hallway
"Then I can't guarantee the hallway"
> it's a hallway. It's already there
"For now"
She asks what else the $3 covers
"Meals, dispute resolution, nightlight maintenance"
> dispute resolution?
"When your brother takes your toys and I make him give them back. That's taxpayer funded"
> that's just parenting
"That's the Department of Justice"
> what about meals. You already feed me
"That's a social program. Not everyone qualifies"
> I'm your daughter
"Which is why you're currently enrolled"
She wants to see where the money goes
I tell her that would require a FOIA request
> what's that
"A form asking me to show you what I do with your money. Processing time is 6 to 8 weeks"
> 6 weeks to see where my $3 went?
"Could be longer. We're understaffed"
> there's two of you
She asks how she gets any of it back
"It's already spent"
> you spent my money already?
"We had a budget shortfall"
> you just took it 20 seconds ago
"And the deficit existed 30 seconds ago. The timing worked out"
> so I'm not getting it back
"I didn't say that. You might qualify for a refund"
> of my own money
"Correct. You just have to fill out a form telling me how much you made"
> you know how much I made. You paid me
"Right but I need you to tell me how much I paid you"
> so you already know the answer
"The point is compliance"
She asks what happens if she gets the number wrong
"Penalty"
> from the money I don't have because you already spent it?
"We could set up a payment plan"
> I'm 8
"Monthly installments. Very manageable"
> you're going to penalize me for getting wrong a number you already know and then make me pay you back with money you took from me
"Now you're getting it"
> I want to talk to mom
"Mom's not a qualified representative. She can't help you here"
She stormed off to her room saying how this is extortion
Slammed the door
That's my little citizen
I've never been more proud
Teaching my daughter about payroll withholding
She did chores all week so I owe her $10
I hand her $7
> this isn't $10
"right, I withheld the rest"
> what does that mean
"I kept $3 of your money"
> but it's my money
"It was your money"
> what are you even doing with it?
"Funding household infrastructure"
> what
"The roof over your head. The hallway you walk through to get to the bathroom. The door locks that keep strangers out"
> you're charging me for the hallway
"I'm charging you for access to the hallway. The hallway itself was a capital expenditure"
> you're my dad. you're supposed to---
"I'm also your government"
> what if I don't want to pay for the hallway
"Then I can't guarantee the hallway"
> it's a hallway. It's already there
"For now"
She asks what else the $3 covers
"Meals, dispute resolution, nightlight maintenance"
> dispute resolution?
"When your brother takes your toys and I make him give them back. That's taxpayer funded"
> that's just parenting
"That's the Department of Justice"
> what about meals. You already feed me
"That's a social program. Not everyone qualifies"
> I'm your daughter
"Which is why you're currently enrolled"
She wants to see where the money goes
I tell her that would require a FOIA request
> what's that
"A form asking me to show you what I do with your money. Processing time is 6 to 8 weeks"
> 6 weeks to see where my $3 went?
"Could be longer. We're understaffed"
> there's two of you
She asks how she gets any of it back
"It's already spent"
> you spent my money already?
"We had a budget shortfall"
> you just took it 20 seconds ago
"And the deficit existed 30 seconds ago. The timing worked out"
> so I'm not getting it back
"I didn't say that. You might qualify for a refund"
> of my own money
"Correct. You just have to fill out a form telling me how much you made"
> you know how much I made. You paid me
"Right but I need you to tell me how much I paid you"
> so you already know the answer
"The point is compliance"
She asks what happens if she gets the number wrong
"Penalty"
> from the money I don't have because you already spent it?
"We could set up a payment plan"
> I'm 8
"Monthly installments. Very manageable"
> you're going to penalize me for getting wrong a number you already know and then make me pay you back with money you took from me
"Now you're getting it"
> I want to talk to mom
"Mom's not a qualified representative. She can't help you here"
She stormed off to her room saying how this is extortion
Slammed the door
That's my little citizen
I've never been more proud
Green Meenie
Well-known member
Green Meenie
Well-known member
Last edited:
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Mark was bragging to his boss one day:“You know, I pretty much know everyone. Just name somebody… anyone.”
His boss rolled his eyes and said,
“Alright… how about Tom Cruise?”
“No problem,” Mark said. “We go way back.”
So they fly to Hollywood, knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom opens it saying,
“Mark! Great to see you! Come on in!”
The boss was impressed… but still not convinced.
“Alright then,” he said, “what about President Trump?”
Mark smiled. “Easy. Let’s go to Washington.”
They head to the White House, and sure enough, President Trump spots him and says,
“Mark! Good to see you! Come on in, let’s talk!”
Now the boss is starting to believe it… but still has one more test.
“Fine… what about the Pope?”
Mark says, “Pope Leo? Of course I know him. Let’s go to Rome.”
They arrive at St. Peter’s Square, packed with people. Mark says,
“There’s no way he’ll see me in this crowd. I’ll go up with the guards, and in a few minutes, I’ll come out on the balcony with him.”
About 30 minutes later… there’s Mark, standing on the balcony next to Pope Leo, waving to the crowd.
When he comes back down, he finds his boss lying on the ground with paramedics around him.
“Boss! What happened?” Mark asks.
His boss looks up and says,
“That was it… that finished me off…
You and Pope Leo came out on that balcony, and the guy next to me said…
‘Who’s that guy in the white hat standing next to Mark?’”
