TK4
Well-known member
Global geopolitics has been thrown into absolute chaos after Scotland’s wild haggis formally seized control of Greenland, citing “ancient territorial rights” and “strategic whisky security concerns.”
The operation was launched at 4:00am following weeks of mounting tension over Donald Trump’s renewed interest in purchasing the island.
Addressing the media, the Greater Highland Haggis Council issued a blunt warning:
“We are here to report a crime — an international war crime.
Greenland has been haggis territory since the Ice Age.”
The evidence, they claim, is overwhelming.
Scientists examining ancient ice cores have reportedly discovered thousands of tiny haggis footprints frozen deep within Greenland’s glaciers, dating back more than 12,000 years. One core sample is said to contain a fossilised Tunnock’s Teacake wrapper.
More concerning still, geologists have confirmed that beneath Greenland’s ice lies not oil or minerals, but an estimated 40 million barrels of single malt whisky, buried during the Great Haggis Migration of 1743.
Satellite imagery shows hundreds of haggis boarding fishing boats and inflating dinghies. One regiment attempted to book a CalMac ferry, but were informed it will not arrive until 2031.
The haggis insist the takeover is peaceful. Greenlanders have been assured their way of life will remain unchanged, with three minor exceptions:
• compulsory whisky tastings
• trousers being “optional but discouraged”
• Tunnock’s Teacakes will replace the Danish Krone as legal tender.
To mark the victory, the territory has been formally renamed "Haggisland," effective immediately.
Greenland has remained silent, though locals report the distant sound of bagpipes echoing across the tundra.
The operation was launched at 4:00am following weeks of mounting tension over Donald Trump’s renewed interest in purchasing the island.
Addressing the media, the Greater Highland Haggis Council issued a blunt warning:
“We are here to report a crime — an international war crime.
Greenland has been haggis territory since the Ice Age.”
The evidence, they claim, is overwhelming.
Scientists examining ancient ice cores have reportedly discovered thousands of tiny haggis footprints frozen deep within Greenland’s glaciers, dating back more than 12,000 years. One core sample is said to contain a fossilised Tunnock’s Teacake wrapper.
More concerning still, geologists have confirmed that beneath Greenland’s ice lies not oil or minerals, but an estimated 40 million barrels of single malt whisky, buried during the Great Haggis Migration of 1743.
Satellite imagery shows hundreds of haggis boarding fishing boats and inflating dinghies. One regiment attempted to book a CalMac ferry, but were informed it will not arrive until 2031.
The haggis insist the takeover is peaceful. Greenlanders have been assured their way of life will remain unchanged, with three minor exceptions:
• compulsory whisky tastings
• trousers being “optional but discouraged”
• Tunnock’s Teacakes will replace the Danish Krone as legal tender.
To mark the victory, the territory has been formally renamed "Haggisland," effective immediately.
Greenland has remained silent, though locals report the distant sound of bagpipes echoing across the tundra.
