Jokes

I had a former Stormtrooper doing my iv.
Apparently, my veins were Rebels.

Stolen from the internet. Kind of a joke, mostly a tragedy.

Teaching my daughter about payroll withholding
She did chores all week so I owe her $10
I hand her $7
> this isn't $10
"right, I withheld the rest"
> what does that mean
"I kept $3 of your money"
> but it's my money
"It was your money"
> what are you even doing with it?
"Funding household infrastructure"
> what
"The roof over your head. The hallway you walk through to get to the bathroom. The door locks that keep strangers out"
> you're charging me for the hallway
"I'm charging you for access to the hallway. The hallway itself was a capital expenditure"
> you're my dad. you're supposed to---
"I'm also your government"
> what if I don't want to pay for the hallway
"Then I can't guarantee the hallway"
> it's a hallway. It's already there
"For now"
She asks what else the $3 covers
"Meals, dispute resolution, nightlight maintenance"
> dispute resolution?
"When your brother takes your toys and I make him give them back. That's taxpayer funded"
> that's just parenting
"That's the Department of Justice"
> what about meals. You already feed me
"That's a social program. Not everyone qualifies"
> I'm your daughter
"Which is why you're currently enrolled"
She wants to see where the money goes
I tell her that would require a FOIA request
> what's that
"A form asking me to show you what I do with your money. Processing time is 6 to 8 weeks"
> 6 weeks to see where my $3 went?
"Could be longer. We're understaffed"
> there's two of you
She asks how she gets any of it back
"It's already spent"
> you spent my money already?
"We had a budget shortfall"
> you just took it 20 seconds ago
"And the deficit existed 30 seconds ago. The timing worked out"
> so I'm not getting it back
"I didn't say that. You might qualify for a refund"
> of my own money
"Correct. You just have to fill out a form telling me how much you made"
> you know how much I made. You paid me
"Right but I need you to tell me how much I paid you"
> so you already know the answer
"The point is compliance"
She asks what happens if she gets the number wrong
"Penalty"
> from the money I don't have because you already spent it?
"We could set up a payment plan"
> I'm 8
"Monthly installments. Very manageable"
> you're going to penalize me for getting wrong a number you already know and then make me pay you back with money you took from me
"Now you're getting it"
> I want to talk to mom
"Mom's not a qualified representative. She can't help you here"
She stormed off to her room saying how this is extortion
Slammed the door
That's my little citizen
I've never been more proud

A guy comes home with a map of the world and tells his wife to throw a dart at it. Wherever it lands, that's where we're going for vacation.

She throws a dart.

Him: "Great, we're spending two weeks behind the refrigerator."