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jokes

Pasteurize .... Too far to see

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The other day I held the door open for a clown. It was a nice jester.

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He had a sore arm because he slept funny?
 
He had a sore arm because he slept funny?
Lol
That's why cannibals don't eat clowns....they taste funny.

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The historian loves reading about bobcats. They are lynx to the past.

The home for rich squirrels is The Nutcracker Suite.

The animals at the zoo started rioting. A porcupine was brought in to quill the uprising.
 
Why do middle aged divorcees looking for action wear Puma's?
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Because they're Cougars!
 
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.
 
Can`t resist posting this. I`m sure many a true story here. .......

Wife: Look at that drunk guy!

Husband: Who is he?

Wife: 10 years back he proposed to me and I rejected him.

Husband: Oh my God, he's still celebrating...
 
Can`t resist posting this. I`m sure many a true story here. .......

Wife: Look at that drunk guy!

Husband: Who is he?

Wife: 10 years back he proposed to me and I rejected him.

Husband: Oh my God, he's still celebrating...
Lmfao ?


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I LOVE doing laundry....it's loads of fun ☺

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Forrest Gump's password: 1Forrest1
 
Can i steal some of this jokes and share in my facebook? Haha.

Ill probably post one each day.

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You want to steal these original jokes? And spread them around? Amy Schumer?
 
You want to steal these original jokes? And spread them around? Amy Schumer?
Basically, yeah. But I actually like amy schumer. She wouldnt be funny if the delivery sucks for old jokes

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You want to steal these original jokes? And spread them around? Amy Schumer?

From me, most certainly. My motto is, "Live, Love and Laugh" However, not all my girlfriends agreed when they all meet"
 
From me, most certainly. My motto is, "Live, Love and Laugh" However, not all my girlfriends agreed when they all meet"


At your funeral?
 
I've stolen most of my jokes ?
Spread the cheer
Cheers!

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I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Rick woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.


Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.




A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?"
Granny replies, "****** the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen



My wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"




I woke up this morning at 8:00, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered Burger King serves breakfast until 11:00






Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me three hours to get her off the Ferris wheel



The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"




My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard !" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?"




A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so they can see their own doctor.
 

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