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jokes

Slim Jim said:
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Rick woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.


Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.




A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?"
Granny replies, "****** the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen



My wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"




I woke up this morning at 8:00, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered Burger King serves breakfast until 11:00






Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me three hours to get her off the Ferris wheel



The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"




My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard !" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?"




A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so they can see their own doctor.
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There are a few good JoeBass-isms there.
 
nfq said:
There are a few good JoeBass-isms there.
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I was thinking the same thing!
What's the quote....?
The one where she says if you were my husband I would poison your dinner.
And he replies well if you were my wife I would eat it!

Sent from a Samsung Galaxy far, far away using Tapatalk
 
Another true story...


A Summer story, after doing the lawn I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said "nothing". The reason I said nothing instead of saying just thinking is because she then would have asked about what?

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.
 
Lmfao ? ? ?

Sent from a Samsung Galaxy far, far away using Tapatalk
 
cycling said:
Another true story...


A Summer story, after doing the lawn I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said "nothing". The reason I said nothing instead of saying just thinking is because she then would have asked about what?

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.
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Lol, that's awesome!
I wonder what would happen if I posted that on my Facebook
 
Maybe change it to pass a kidney stone?

People who don't like you, might find that harder to arrange.
 
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here!"


----------------------

Motorcycles can't stand on their own.

They're two tired.

Dad+jokes_6912be_5036872.jpg
 
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How times have changed with the economy....

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico/Canada

Have to add this on..............

* I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
 
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A Newfie won a fishing boat in a raffle and tows it home. His wife looks at him and says, "What in the name o' Lard Jasus are you gonna do wit dat, bye? We lives on a farm. There's nary a bit o' water within 75 miles o' 'ere."
He says, "Don't care. I won 'er and I'm gonna keep 'er."...
Several days later the Newfie's brother comes over to visit. He looks out in the field behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a fishing boat in the middle of the field with a fishing rod in his hand.
He stands at the edge of the field and yells out to him, "What the frig are you doin'?"
His brother calls back, "I'm fishin'. What the frig does it look like I'ma doin'?"
His brother yells back, "Lard tunderin' my son, it's people like you that gives Newfie's a bad name, making everyone think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick you in the friggin arse."
 
Matt Rain said:
Thread should be renamed dad jokes.
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See post #86
My all time favourite
?

Sent from a Samsung Galaxy far, far away using Tapatalk
 
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
 
What is the skin around the vagina called?



Woman
 
Not sure if it's been posted before (I feel like I posted the cartoon version before)

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions. The husband turned to his wife and said, Honey, thats a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
She said: Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis
 
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dip ****'s.

I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?"

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
 
Just remembered this one.

Did you know that Jesus saves fallen women. Well, He never saved me one.
 
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