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I saw an old guy park his car in a handicap spot the other day.
He then walks out of the car, no cane or anything.
I'm like "WTF?", this guy doesn't need to park there! So I started beating the crap out of him.
I feel sorry for his wife though, she seemed to have a hard time rolling her wheelchair...
He then walks out of the car, no cane or anything.
I'm like "WTF?", this guy doesn't need to park there! So I started beating the crap out of him.
I feel sorry for his wife though, she seemed to have a hard time rolling her wheelchair...
A Jew's Wish...
A Jew having no children, no money, no home and a blind mother, prays sincerely to God for improving his status in life.
God is very pleased with his prayer, and............ grants him one wish........... just one !!!!!!!!!!!!
The Jew says OK God, thanks!
My one and only wish is- 'I want my Mom to see my wife putting, a twenty million dollar diamond necklace around my child's neck, in my Mercedes Benz 600 parked near the swimming pool of our new 5 acre bungalow in Beverly Hills.'
GOD: Damn it! I still have a lot to learn from these Jews.
A Jew having no children, no money, no home and a blind mother, prays sincerely to God for improving his status in life.
God is very pleased with his prayer, and............ grants him one wish........... just one !!!!!!!!!!!!
The Jew says OK God, thanks!
My one and only wish is- 'I want my Mom to see my wife putting, a twenty million dollar diamond necklace around my child's neck, in my Mercedes Benz 600 parked near the swimming pool of our new 5 acre bungalow in Beverly Hills.'
GOD: Damn it! I still have a lot to learn from these Jews.
kickstartt
Well-known member
^ LOL
"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
rattlesnakeross
Well-known member
During the Soviet era of Russia, Ivan their best cross country skier decides to ski from Vladisvolstok to his hometown Murmansk on the other side of the country and do this with no contact with any people
After 4 months he is successful and is being interviewed by a tv host.
Host: That is an amazing accomplishment
Ivan: Not for a real strong tough red blooded soviet man
Host: You saw nobody in 4 months what did you do for supplies?
Ivan: The great soviet air force parachuted me supplies, no human contact
Host: Were you ever frightened?
Ivan: Real Soviet men fear nothing
Host: What was the 1st thing you did when you got home to Murmansk
Ivan: I did what any real soviet man would do, I made mad passionate love to my wife.
the host, shocked surprised and flustered by the unexpected answer stammered; What was the second thing you did?
Ivan: Took of my skis
After 4 months he is successful and is being interviewed by a tv host.
Host: That is an amazing accomplishment
Ivan: Not for a real strong tough red blooded soviet man
Host: You saw nobody in 4 months what did you do for supplies?
Ivan: The great soviet air force parachuted me supplies, no human contact
Host: Were you ever frightened?
Ivan: Real Soviet men fear nothing
Host: What was the 1st thing you did when you got home to Murmansk
Ivan: I did what any real soviet man would do, I made mad passionate love to my wife.
the host, shocked surprised and flustered by the unexpected answer stammered; What was the second thing you did?
Ivan: Took of my skis
rattlesnakeross
Well-known member
Steve Harper looks out of a window at 24 Sussex and sees F*ck you Steve written in urine in the snow. Suddenly filled with rage he over reacts demands the RCMP find out who did it.
2 days later an RCMP officer approaches and says "We have the answer, some good news, some bad news."
Steve "Give me the good news 1st."
RCMP, it was Bob Rae.
Steve replies, that's kind of bad news, we disagree but I thought we respected each other, I thought it would be Mulcare or one of those NDP kids. Well what is the bad news?
RCMP: Its your wife's handwriting
2 days later an RCMP officer approaches and says "We have the answer, some good news, some bad news."
Steve "Give me the good news 1st."
RCMP, it was Bob Rae.
Steve replies, that's kind of bad news, we disagree but I thought we respected each other, I thought it would be Mulcare or one of those NDP kids. Well what is the bad news?
RCMP: Its your wife's handwriting
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"
A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a
young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, "Are
you a real biker?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was
pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy's Harley, then as a
little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own
Harley. I've been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real
biker."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch
TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women."
Then she got up and left.
The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to
the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"
He replied, "I always thought I was ... but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, "Are
you a real biker?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was
pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy's Harley, then as a
little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own
Harley. I've been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real
biker."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch
TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women."
Then she got up and left.
The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to
the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"
He replied, "I always thought I was ... but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
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A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob.
I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home,but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apology with my promise that it won't happen gain.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn auto correct. I meant
"wifi", not "wife".
I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home,but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apology with my promise that it won't happen gain.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn auto correct. I meant
"wifi", not "wife".
Stashu was a Momma's boy that finally got married but couldn't stop commenting on his wife's cooking. Momma used to use more salt, Momma used to put in more onions, Momma this and Momma that.
One day his wife asked him "Did you ever have sex with your mother?"
"No! That's ridiculous. Of course not."
"Well if I have to cook like her you're not going to have sex with me either."
One day his wife asked him "Did you ever have sex with your mother?"
"No! That's ridiculous. Of course not."
"Well if I have to cook like her you're not going to have sex with me either."
kickstartt
Well-known member
Too Little, Too Late
A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, you're in."So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader--a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? I can't seem to find this in your file. When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, you're in."So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader--a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? I can't seem to find this in your file. When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
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