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Joke of the day

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle
when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look
at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey, Doc, come take a
look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working
on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at
this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put
them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,000)
when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to
the mechanic......... "Try doing it with the engine running."
 
A long time proctologist gives up the trade to live out his dream of becoming a Harley mechanic.
For his final exam at trade school he has to completely disassemble and reassemble an engine. When he gets his grade back he sees 150% for his grade and goes to talk to the teacher.
The teacher calmly explains that 50% of the grade was for tearing the engine down, 50% for reassembling it correctly, and the last 50% was for doing the entire thing through the exhaust pipe.
 
MenvsWomen.jpg
 
A horse walks into a bar and walks up to the bartender. The bartender looks at the horse and says "Hey, why the long face."
 
The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally....
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
 
LOLz
 
A bear walks into a bar and sit down.

Bartender asks him what he wants.

About a minute passes and the bear says a beer.

The bartender says no problem but why the big pause.


Bear holds his front legs up and says

I am a bear, I got big paws............
 
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deep thoughts

[video=youtube;pwZ_PJn2Enc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwZ_PJn2Enc&feature=related[/video]
 
[FONT=&quot]Let's resurrect this thread...



When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple of days later the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."[/FONT]
 
Lol

Sent from my tablet using my paws
 
4zs3v
 
A while back, when I was considerably younger
I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home
I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu.
Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne .
I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"


"No," she replied. "But my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said "What would you like for dessert?"


Stole this from another forum
 
Well, it is not a pretty story.... about 200 dead crows near Halifax, and there was concern for Avian Flu.

They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. The Province then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill.


The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "CAH", but he could not say "TRUCK."

And this one as well.
 
Neil Armstrong, first man on the moon, was being interviewed.
The TV dude asks: "How did you come up with those immortal words: 'A small step for a man, a great leap forward for mankind.'"
Armstrong says, "Well, uh, there was some static, and I didn't exactly say that. What I said was a "A small step for a man, a great leap forward for Manny Klein."
TV dude says: "What? Manny Klein? Who is Manny Klein?"
Armstrong says: "Oh Manny was a great guy. We roomed together in college. I was his best man. When he came back from his honeymoon, I asked him how it went. Manny was upset. He had asked his new wife for a bj, and she said "Yeah. Right. When men are walking on the moon! ""
 
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A salesman is driving toward home in northern Ontario when he sees an Indian thumbing for a ride on the side of the road.
As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Indian gets in.
After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in bag?", the Indian asks the driver.
The driver says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Indian is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."


What's the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?
Only the used car salesemen knows when he lying.




[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in.
Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
Customer : I guess so. I'll take one.
Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?
Customer : Um, okay.
Sales manager: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.
Customer : I'll take one of those too.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
Man: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?
Man: Why would I want to do that?
Sales assistant: Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.[/FONT]
 
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the other night...my wife was standing naked in front of the bedroom mirror looking rather sad

she says to me...."look at me...I'm getting old....my boobs are dropping....my bum is sagging...I'm getting a belly and my legs are flabby....say something nice to me"

so I said...."you're eyesight is damn near perfect"
 
82Seca750 said:
the other night...my wife was standing naked in front of the bedroom mirror looking rather sad

she says to me...."look at me...I'm getting old....my boobs are dropping....my bum is sagging...I'm getting a belly and my legs are flabby....say something nice to me"

so I said...."you're eyesight is damn near perfect"
Click to expand...
After that, the doctor told you you'd walk again, but you'll always have a limp.
 
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