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Joke of the day

A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.
Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.


Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
 
[video=youtube;t165uBpOc1g]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t165uBpOc1g[/video]
 
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”





 
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."
 
Trying To Get Some Action

As I was lying in bed, I got the urge to get frisky and needed to explode. So I tuned over and asked the wife if she was in the mood. She replied, "Babe, I have a Gynecology Exam tomorrow and want to be fresh down there". So, I rolled back over and tried to resist the urge.

5 minutes go by and I cant get it off my mind. And, voliaaa it came to me.....

"Honey, do you also have a Dentist Exam tomorrow?

:happy3:
 
Miss Airport
2011 Calendar
Screen shot 2011-06-30 at 6.48.42 PM.jpg​
 
My wife’s doctor took me to one side and said ” I’m sorry, but your wife either has Aids or Alzheimers”



I replied ” what should I do doctor?”



Well he said “put her on a bus, and if she comes back, don’t **** her”.
 
[FONT=Verdana, Arial]A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"[/FONT]
 
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
 
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an Irish Viagra. Slip the tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a strange twinkle in his eye! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' Jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'
 
a couple were having problems in the bedroom, so they go see a therapist. He asks the husband to take off his clothes, and have sex with his wife, the husband asks why, Dr., so I can see what's you're doing wrong, husband starts to feel embarrassed and says I can't do it in front of you, so the Dr takes of his clothes and bangs the wife until she screams with pleasure, he turns to the husband and says, that's all she needs twice a week, and she'll be happy, husband, how's Mondays and Thursdays for you?
 
All courtesy of Henny Youngman...


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

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Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"


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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg."

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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

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Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ***!
Do you think I should change dentists?

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A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.
He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening.”

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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.
 
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Hopefully not a repost.

Terrorists boarded a flight out of London .. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good.. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pizzing in cokes?'
 
So I was looking for a gift the other day in Walmart for my girlfriend and asked the sales associate "where the woman's section was"

She pointed me in the direction of the clothes.

I said, "No, no, the woman's section - you know the kitchen ****, pots and pans"
 
A wife goes out for a night with the girls, telling her husband she'll be home around midnight.
Midnight passes by, drinks are flowing, the girls are laughing and having a great time. At around 2:45 in the morning, drunk as hell, she finally gets a cab and makes her way back home.
She gets to the front door and ever-so-gently nudges it open, not making a sound. She takes her shoes off, again not making a sound. Knowing her husband will give her hell for coming home so late and drunk, she's quite proud of herself for being so stealthy.
Just then, the cuckoo clock in the hallway goes off, cuckooing 3 times. Realizing he might wake up, she decides to cuckoo another 9 times. She smiles to herself, proud that she'd come up with such a clever solution on the spot. He'd never know the difference!
That next morning during breakfast the husband looked at his wife, obviously hungover, and asked, "So... what time did you get in last night?"
"Oh, right around midnight," she replied. The husband didn't seem disturbed at all, her plan had worked!
"Well," he said, "I think we need a new cuckoo clock."
"Why do you say that?" she asked.
"Because last night the one we have cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh ****,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
 
Italian Pregnancy​



An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.​
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.​
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,​
'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!' ​




The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.​
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.​
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.​
​
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:​
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem’. ​
​
‘I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.​
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.​
​
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse,​
a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..​
​
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. ​
​
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..​
​
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'​
​
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him​
​
"Youa gonna try again!"​
 
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A Ukranian man goes in for an eye exam. The optometrist shows a plaque that reads:

"CZWIXNOSTACZ"

He asks the man "Can you read this for me?"

The Ukranian man replies "You joke, me I know this guy!"
 
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