Joke of the day | Page 2 | GTAMotorcycle.com

Joke of the day

me: “how can i help you today, ma’am?”

client: “is e-mail internet”?

me: “i beg your pardon?”

client: “is e-mail on the internet? I have no internet, can i still read my e-mail?”

me: “well yes, you must be able to get online to view your e-mail.”

client: “oh, dear. I can’t see my e-mail.”

me: “well, let’s see. Can you open up internet explorer for me and tell me what you see?”

client: “open what?”

me: “your browser, can you open up your browser?”

client: “my…my…?”

me: “what you click on when you want to browse the internet?”

client: “i don’t use anything, i just turn my computer on, and it’s there.”

me: “okay. Do you see the little blue ‘e’ icon on your desktop?”

client: “you mean i have to start writing letters again?”

me: “i’m…what, i’m sorry?”

client: “i don’t have any pens at my desk. I just want my e-mail again.”

me: “no, ma’am, your desktop, on your computer screen. Can you click on the little blue ‘e’ on your computer screen for me?”

client: “oh, this is too much work. I’m too upset. Just send me my e-mail. Can’t you send me my e-mail?”

me: “we…okay, ma’am. Can you tell me what color the lights are on your router right now?”

client: “my what?”

me: “the little box with green or possibly a couple of red lights on it right now - it’s most likely near your computer?”
client: “lights and boxes, boxes and lights, just get my e-mail for me.

me: “my test is showing that you should be able to get online right now. Can you tell me what you’re seeing on your computer screen?”

client: “it’s been the same thing for the last two hours.”

me: “an error message?”

client: “no, just stars. It’s black and moving stars.”

me: “…do you see your mouse next to your keyboard?”

client: “yes.”
me: “move it for me.”

client: “move it?”

me: “yes. Move it.”

client: “my e-mail!”

lol
 
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man go to a pub.




The bouncer says, "Sorry. I can't let you in without a Thai."
 
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man go to a pub.




The bouncer says, "Sorry. I can't let you in without a Thai."

K this almost didn't make ne sense. I think I get ur pun. Unless I'm missing the point.
 
The Wit of the Irish

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.

It was a fine spring day in his new Ballina parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead right in der middle of me front lawn "

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O'Malley replied:

"Ah, 'to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
 
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening. "

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.
 
So theres a rich man and a poor man. They have the same anniversary and always meet for coffee once they go shopping for their wives. When they meet for coffee the poor man asks the rich man, "What did you get your wife this year?" to which the rich man replies, "well I got her this diamond necklace and a brand new mercedes". The poor man asks "why did you get her both?", the rich man replies " well if she doesn't like the necklace she can return it in her new mercedes and still be happy". The rich man then asks the poor man "what did you get your wife?" the poor man replies "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo". The rich man asks "why did you get her slippers and a dildo?" the poor man replies "well if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go **** herself"
 
Jesus walks into a bar with 3 nails and gives them to the bartender. The bartender looks at Jesus and askes what do you want me to do with these? Jesus replies, can you put me up for the night?
 
Each Friday night after work, sun, snow or rain, Jack , being a Newfie, would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak.
But, all of Jack's neighbours were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Jack, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Jack attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said: "You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic."

Jack's neighbours were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighbourhood.
The priest was called immediately by the neighbours, and, as he rushed into Jack's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a codfish"
 
Anything smart that comes out of a woman's mouth always begins with "A man once told me"















-its a joke, .....its a joke
 
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Guess what...


On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!"

"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?"

"Just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!"

"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"
 
A police officer sees a bunch of little old ladies in an ancient Buick drive by his radar trap on highway doing 77 kph.

Seeing as how everyone else is doing 90 or more, he decides to pull her over for a talk.

When he gets to the car, she asks what the problem is as she was doing the exact speed limit.
He says no ma'm the speed limit is 80 kph but you were only doing 77.

She blushes and says oh my, doesn't that sign say the speed limit?

He responds, no that is the highway number, this is highway 48.

Just then he notices that the other old ladies are all white as a sheet, and he asks if they are ok. The driver responds "they'll be fine, we just came from highway 169".

hahahahaha, sorry to quote, but worth it :p
 
Turpentine vs Holy Water

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!'
 
High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the restroom, it was decided that the girls would go in the womens restroom with one female teacher and the boys would go in the men's restroom while one lady teacher waited outside the mens room door. However the plan went astray when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside to help the boys and began hoisting them up one by one. As she approached the last one, she could see he was very close to being tall enough to manage on his own especially the way he was aiming upwards as he pee'd. As she started to lift him up she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed, so trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, mam', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
 
A wife had been in a coma for months and suddenly when the nurses were washing her private parts they noticed the heart monitor change. So they told the husband that a little oral sex might bring her round. They drew the
curtains but after a few minutes her monitor flatlined - no pulse no heartbeat.
The nurses asked him what happened and he replied, "I think she choked."
 
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I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"f*ck that" says Mick" have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
 

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